Fear of Rejection in a Relationship: Dangers and Tips for Treatment

27.05.2020

We are all afraid of something, but rarely think about how fear affects life and decisions. Conscious fears, such as fear of flying, altitude, or spiders, are easier to deal with. But unconscious, deep-seated fears can be extremely destructive, they control life.

One of the strongest is the fear of rejection. It depends on adaptation in society, success, self-esteem, independence from the opinions of others. The need to be accepted is inherent in everyone. And when we are afraid that they will not accept us, we clothe this hidden fear in formulations, “I cannot confess my feelings, and what if they don’t answer me with the same?” “I can’t ask for an increase in salary because I’m afraid that they will fire me for this.” The brain's task is to protect us from the bad. And when we say, “My ex broke my heart, if this happens again, I will not survive it” or “Nobody will ever love me,” the brain fixes this. And as soon as a similar situation arises, it shows us a distorted reality, the one that we painted for it.

This is one of the reasons why women reject men, a sense of fear of rejection is felt by a woman, and they perceive it is a sign of weakness. And weakness doesn’t attract women, so let’s find out where it originates from. Where does the fear of rejection phobia come from? Today we will list some fear of rejection quotes, talk about the fear of rejection psychology, how to handle fear of rejection in dating, why do people fear rejection, and everything that has to do with this topic.

Why Does the Fear of Rejection Appear?

It appeared in ancient times, when the prospect of being expelled from the community, the tribe meant that a person would have to survive alone, which, in turn, was difficult to do. In fact, this fear equaled the fear of death. Fear of rejection reduces self-confidence. We hesitate to say no in situations we don’t like.

But we live in a different time and in different conditions, therefore it is worth realizing the truth: if we are rejected, we will not die. Maybe we will be sad, lonely, or scared, but we will not die. Nowadays, this fear is formed in childhood. When a child behaves badly, parents send them to another room. That is, we still use isolation, as in ancient times, to force the child to follow certain rules, and thereby, put this fear into them.

Can this be avoided? Yes, if you consciously approach what and how we say to children. If you do not follow the example of our own "educators" who said, "Yeah, stop whining" and "Well, the next time someone will offend you – punch them on the head." Instead, you can say, “They called you stupid? What do you think to yourself?” Most likely, the child does not consider themselves stupid. It is necessary to support them in this thought: what matters is what they think of themselves. Most suffer from words spoken by someone, not only children but also adults. Words can cause serious harm; they penetrate deep into the soul.

If fear of rejection poisons your relationship – you have to move on, you have to start a new relationship with a person that will make you feel secure and loved. Thus, you should meet singles girls online and start a new relationship.

Childhood Is a Source of the Fear of Rejection

For the first time, each of us experienced the fear of rejection in childhood. A mother who, due to lack of time, did not appreciate the children's drawing, or a father who did not express the joy of success in a sports competition, unknowingly injured a child. They are convinced, “If my mom doesn’t have time, she did not hug/kiss me, then she does not love me. She is not interested in me. I am boring."

The most emotional rejection is experienced by people who:

Born from an unplanned pregnancy. The mother’s unwillingness to have a child is felt at a psychogenetic level and, even in the womb, forms the makings of a depressed personality. They experienced a lack of warmth and love. The child cultivates a feeling of distrust, a sense of inferiority, and uselessness.

The defense is the first instinct

To live on, a person learned to defend themselves from the fear experienced in childhood. We trained to expect a trick and defend ourselves. We think that being ready to be rejected means avoiding it. It is in vain to believe that you are an exception. Here are some behaviors that people resort to in order to avoid rejection.

Desire to please

A person tries to please everyone and smooth out all sharp corners, abandoning themselves. They carefully avoid conflicts and always choose a neutral position. At work, this is a colleague who is “good for everyone.” However, when losing themselves, a person loses their life energy, forgets their destiny.

Control

A person tries on the image of a parent. They are trying to become indispensable and necessary. This is a rather aggressive position in which people become hardened, often turn into tyrants and despots. In order not to experience fear of rejection, a person tries to isolate themselves from situations where they would need praise, approval, or permission. In other words, they turn into a robot.

Aggression and manipulation

A person responds to rejection with anger and aggression, resentment and anger arise in their soul. They achieve what they want through threats or manipulation, "If you do not praise me, I will be offended." Or, "I will write a report for you if you do what I've asked."

Revolt

A person rebels and fights, disagreeing with something. They enter into a spiritual struggle with themselves and with others. Sometimes such people become embittered outcasts of society, "lone wolves."

The escape

A person runs away and closes in themselves. They find themselves in isolation, they are sad because of depression and a feeling of complete loneliness. From the point of view of psychology, the main advice is to start working on self-esteem, to look deep into the soul, and accept yourself as you are. To reveal to yourself all your shortcomings and stop criticizing yourself for them, you need to start thinking about yourself in a positive way. But, of course, it is much easier to advise others than to do it yourself.

Let’s now look at some fear of rejection symptoms and signs.

Fear of Rejection: the Main Signs

We got to the fear of being rejected and their close relative of the fear that they would leave. Reasons: parental detachment and silence, sending to grandmothers for education, boycotts in children's groups. And even if this is not possible, they can constantly indicate that you are somehow not the same in physical characteristics - big, small, fat, thin, etc. Or it may be that a person is suddenly abandoned in the first romantic relationship. Any of these reasons is enough for the fear of rejection to appear and begin to control us.

In actions, this is manifested in the following fear of rejection in relationships signs:

• efforts to please everyone to be accepted;
• excessive sensitivity to the opinions of others;
• approval needs;
• experiences that will not be accepted;
• building relationships in the constant expectation of betrayal and mistrust;
• constant checks of relationships for strength, provocations;
• thoughts that need to match or, conversely, be very different and show off.

What does it push a person to?

• loneliness - nobody needs me, I need to rely only on myself;
• dependence on other people's opinions and ratings;
• distance creation;
• selective communication, only with those to whom it is possible to correspond, division into "friends" and "strangers;"
• strengthening of their uniqueness, and often, as a result, of loneliness.

The consequences of constant fear of rejection

The fear of rejection is fundamental, it is fixed in the unconscious. Because of this, we are often afraid of everything in the world: to buy the wrong gift (what if the recipient doesn’t like it?), dress inappropriately (what if they laugh?), talk about our needs (what if they refuse us or even get angry for “impudence”?).

Fear reduces self-confidence. We do not dare to say “no” in situations that we don’t like, we become compliant and helpful out of fear that otherwise we will be pushed away, “kicked out” of the field of communication. We are afraid of this in the family, society, at work, at school, college - everywhere.

This leads to disappointment in life, procrastination, panic attacks, stress, and depression. Many people wonder what prevents them from succeeding. And here, too, fear “creeps out” - “If I am successful, people won’t like me,” “If I am successful, I will lose all my friends,” “They will envy me,” “The partner will feel inferior to me.” These thoughts encourage one to avoid success.

People who are afraid of failures also sabotage their own plans, “I want to meet this girl, but what if she rejects me? I better not even try.” It is easier for such people not to realize plans than to fail. Let’s now find out how to overcome a fear of rejection.

Tips to Overcome a Fear of Rejection

In a stressful situation, the brain adjusts itself to problematic thoughts, “Better I will not do this anymore, then I will not have to go through it again.” But the problem is not fear itself, but our attitude towards it, which is formed by thoughts. And to cope with fear, one must first triumph over thoughts that are transformed into this fear.

Failure is the norm

Here’s the first of aspects of overcoming fear of rejection. Believe me, they refuse not only to you! Geniuses were also denied: during the life of Van Gogh, philanthropists refused to buy his paintings. Entrepreneurs also fail: the founders of Starbucks managed to get a loan from the bank with almost two hundred attempts. And musicians are far from always lucky: The Beatles, at the dawn of a career, phoned dozens of promoters, but they refused to sign a contract with them.

Fantasy is your weapon

How to get over a fear of rejection? If you are afraid that your spouse will quit your job or get fired from work, tell yourself a story where emotional rejection has already occurred. Confess your feelings honestly and imagine the recovery process. How complicated is it? Write everything down on paper. Focus on the fact that in the end, you will return to normal life in any case: you will find another loving partner or a good well-paid job.

Change the point of view

Why should rejection mean that something is wrong with you? Fear of rejection in relationships may not come from you. Perhaps your abuser is blind, short-sighted, or arrogant? If a person finds a piece of gold in the earth and throws it aside, believing that it is a useless stone, is the stone to blame for their stupidity? Think not of your suffering from failure, but of the loss of others. If you agree with the justification for the refusal, then it's time to work on improving the missing skills.

As soon as you begin to love and value yourself, you will no longer seek recognition and approval. You are a self-sufficient and self-confident person. No one can take this from you. Then why do you rely on outside opinions? Fear of rejection arises among those who are ready to fear rejection. And that is not you.

Presentation

Choose a place where no one bothers you, sit back, and close your eyes. Think about your fears. Imagine you are watching a presentation with slides called “My Phantom Fears” on a large screen. Try to look at each as clearly as possible.

If you are afraid that you will be rejected, then imagine on the slide that you are being abandoned, and they do not want to communicate with you anymore. If you are afraid to be successful, imagine that everyone turned away when you were successful. Look at these slides and read the text that appears in the center of the picture, “This is not true, these are just the images that appear when the slide is illuminated.” Now watch how the fear slide begins to lose brightness. As a result, the picture disappears and the inscription remains, "There is no fear in you." If you perform the exercise with full awareness, then it perfectly helps cope with fears.

Gone with the Wind

Here’s an important part of getting over a fear of rejection. Ask yourself, “What am I really afraid of?” Take a sheet and describe the fear. Put the sheet in front of you and read the writing. Say, “I recognize you. You are the fear that scares me - I am afraid to be rejected. I know that you want to protect me, and I appreciate it. I thank you for that. But now I have to say goodbye to you. I learned to live without you, I no longer need to be protected. I am relieving you of this role. I'm safe." Then take this sheet and burn it. Open the window and blow out the ashes. Tell fear, "Goodbye, but now I will live without you."

These exercises are gradual. First of all, it is your work with subconsciousness. Observe yourself during the week: you will feel much better. Awareness of fears is very important, and for in-depth study, you can consult a specialist. But if there is no possibility, in many cases, we can help ourselves.