Bickering in a Relationship: When It's Too Much and Why It's Dangerous

26.04.2020

Here you are, it would seem that as soon as you meet your soulmate, your perfect match, life starts making sense. You feel butterflies in your stomach, and they give you so much attention. But time passes, so does love. The first stage of passion and idealizing the partner fades and suddenly, endless conflicts break into your kingdom. And constant bickering cuts the ground out from under you.

And what is most surprising is that the reason for these conflicts is you, you may stay silent about them and or suddenly burst out in the most unexpected moment, terrorizing yourself and your loved ones. We will try to cover the main causes of unreasonable conflicts in the following article and explain how you can stop constant bickering in a relationship.

Why Bickering Can Be Dangerous for Relationships

It is important to know that conflicts are inevitable in any case. They are present in our lives and will always be there. It is also important to understand that conflict is the only way for a couple to develop. As life evolves and grows, it comes into conflict. When a tree sprouts, its pressures its root to get stronger. When it gets bigger, other conflicts arise, for example, wind and parasites attack. Everything at every stage of its growth is subject to different problems, and couples who arrange their relationships are no exception. The evolution of the development of a couple at each stage involves conflict.

But it happens that conflicts last for years. And bickering becomes one of your favorite hobbies for couples. The partners quarrel over the same things again and again, "Why did you put the cup that side to the table? - Why didn't you do this and that?!" Such conflicts have nothing in common with the emotional worth, they are baseless and empty, they do not lead to discussing the problems and solving them. For this reason, they are detrimental to the couple’s harmony and emotional balance.

If you are currently in a relationship where such conflicts arise, remember that they do not lead anywhere. These are the conflicts for the sake of conflict. Baseless bickering in relationships can lead to cheating, trying to find help online on a single ladies dating site, or turning to an anonymous dating service, as well as depression, feeling ruined, not loving yourself or the partner either, low self-esteem, chronic stress, pains, and aches, sleep disturbance and, all in all, cause a breakup.

Common Reasons Why Couples Constantly Bicker

Quarrels are what spoil a couple's life and often hurt both partners. Most often, women provoke quarrels by not expressing their feelings directly. Instead of speaking openly about their dissatisfaction, they begin to trigger their partners with rhetorical questions. Men, on the other hand, stay silent about their feelings or cannot even admit to themselves that they have problems and suffer from bickering in a relationship too. What are some other reasons for the constant misunderstandings between the loved ones?

Interdependence

Most people live in dependency. Addiction is the opposite of partnerships. In a healthy relationship, partners solve their problems together. If you commit yourself to another person, you need to cultivate and learn to conflict. When a couple is in a harmonious relationship, partners never keep silent about conflicts or pretend the problem will disappear on its own.

Healthy relationships work when people are adult and responsible. When they rely on each other in the most vital issues like who will take out the trash or do another duty, they should agree on this and let each other know about their decision. But it is childish to draw conclusions in your head and frown upon the partner that doesn’t suspect anything. So, learn to take on the responsibility, be open about your needs and plans since the other ones do not read your mind. Constantly blaming each other will lead you to stress and feeling incapable to do anything on your own.

You can get started with Barry and Jenny Weinhold's book called “Liberation from dependency.” This is a practicum book. Chapter eight begins with exercises that help you understand the bickering meaning, where dependency comes from, how it develops, and what emotional traumas you have. You can also find out which ones have positive survival scenarios and which ones have negative ones. The book has many exercises and doing them will help you a lot. Then you can seek psychotherapy.

Habit

It sounds wild, but some bickering couples are so used to quarreling that they cannot imagine themselves without conflicts. It may also start in childhood. You saw it as a child, among friends and parents. You remember how a schoolteacher was spending thirty minutes from every forty-five-minute long lesson to tell you what a horrible kid you were. Many complain, "They provoke like they want us to quarrel" or "My partner is constantly reproaching. What should I do? If I keep quiet, they start humiliating me even more."

Quarrels are a habit and a pattern of behavior soldered into your subconscious. Delete it from your memory, brake that neural pathway! How to do it? Make a new habit to replace the destructive one. And exercise. And if you notice that your partner doesn’t change but provokes you even more, this is a manipulation. Mental harassment can sometimes hurt more than physical violence, do not put up with this and leave.

Expressing Attention

This cause of conflict may seem even more shocking than the previous one - so let's look at it in more detail. Why do couples bicker out of boredom? When they are in conflict, this is how they express their attention. Attention is a form of a love affair, and perhaps two people are holding on to conflict. The situation is much more dangerous when partners are cold or passive aggressive.

There are two types of attention: it can be positive and negative. Recall how you showed attention to your partner and write down in two columns the positive and negative manifestations. Recall your ways to get your partner's attention, even negative ones.

Is bickering a sign of attraction? It can be, in case people do not know how to manifest it properly. They use negative patterns, provoking discussions and constant disputes. Thus, arguing for them is better than staying idle. Very often, passionate apologizes or excellent sex follows the reconciliation. Which causes real emotional addiction. On the one hand, people suffer from this emotional rollercoaster, on the other hand, they know that they will make up and live quietly for some time. But such a relationship exhausts your nervous system and puts you in constant stress. You quarrel because you cannot communicate properly. Replace negative attention with a positive one.

Is It Love?

Another unexpected cause for bickering can be transferring into the final stage of relationships. You quarrel because this distracts you from the main thing. That your relationship has come to an end. You don't want to talk about it, you don't want to honestly ask each other, "Do we still love each other?" You are afraid to hear no because of fears, obligations, children, financial problems and more. At some point, a couple begins to quarrel over anything - just not to talk about the most important. This moment is called a crisis of relationships. It seems to you that they offended you when they forgot to complete your favor, in fact, you are angry because you do not want to see this person at all.

When passion ends, another level begins. Some specialists say the first stage of love lasts from one to three years, and then you can begin to develop deep love and partnership. But when you have emotional traumas, you will not go into a partnership. You will come to interdependence, and years and years of conflicts are waiting for you here. So, what does bickering mean in this case? It means you are about to enter a crisis that will determine whether you will stay together or continue apart.

Pay attention to your health

No, we do not want to subtly indicate that your constant breakdowns are related to some psychological disorders. Your body may have just failed, for example, as a result of taking any medication, your hormonal background is disturbed. This is relatable for women as very often some chemical disbalance causes increased nervousness or anger. In this case, timely consultation with a specialist will save the nerves of both of you and help you solve the problem as soon as possible.

Well, you can try to drink the sedatives - after all, the partner is not guilty of your health problems. Their job in this situation is to support you as much as possible and not to give rise to another scandal, trying to avoid sharp angles. Summing up, if you suddenly became to bicker over anything and cannot find a common language, this irritation may be caused by the hormonal changes that should be treated like any other condition.

How to Talk With a Partner About This

The ability to speak and listen is necessary for a constructive dispute. Most couples talk too little, therapists say. At the same time, there are those who talk too much about problems and focus on the negativity. In this way, they undermine the pleasant attributes of each other they once have fallen in love with. There is a Chinese proverb, “Problems are like goldfish, they grow if you feed them.” There is no point in talking about conflicts that cannot be resolved if you want to learn how to stop bickering. Because these are issues related to character traits. Everyone thinks they are right. So we want the partner to behave the way we do. Most often, people quarrel because their characters are incompatible. They know what they dislike about the partner but still make a choice to stay together, in this case, they have to work on the relationship.

The golden law is to breathe out first. Do not give out every emotion indiscriminately. Words like "always," "nothing," "everything," "never" are now taboo. At first, it seems silly and banal to you. However, pragmatic solutions are needed to overcome the mistakes. If you bring about changes and start paying attention to what you say, now it will be not that easy for you to say anything offensive. So, start from yourself, prepare ground and you will notice the partner changes in response. Or in case they notice your efforts, you can talk about the fundamental issues that worry you.

Steps to Solve the Bickering Problem in a Relationship

Quarrels tend to burst out and diminish quickly, but the unpleasant aftertaste remains for long, and getting rid of it can be difficult. We will tell you how to properly hold yourself in the hands during the next tide of emotions and how to learn to quarrel without offends and manipulations.

The best way out, of course, is to stop quarreling, but for many couples, it is an impossible task. Of course, in regular life, there will always be reasons for disputes. But if you use bickering couples advice and learn to manage the major quarrels, the minor ones will seem small and unimportant. Then one day they will stop spoiling your relationships at all.

Breathe deeply

In an altercation, each opponent tries to make another one give up, admit their superiority and change their mind. This swamp sucks you into a terrible circle of mutual offends, and this causes a horrible state of both. No one feels good after a violent quarrel, but people keep doing this since they are selfish. So, before you say any offensive words, take a deep breath, or rather, take a few breaths count to 20 or 30 to calm you down. Deep breathing saturates the brain with oxygen and brings the body and psyche back to normal. In a few seconds, the aggression subsides, and you don't want to offend your loved one. Breathing, meditation, distracting the mind from aggression help avoid various bad consequences.

Try to step into their shoes

Imagine yourself in the place of a loved one. What would you do in this situation? This method works great with children when they are at the rage and start acting violently or misbehaving radically. Remember yourself at their age, how scary it was when your mother shouted at you and how you wanted to grow big at that moment to be able to stand up for yourself. Swap places with another person and try to feel what they do. Most likely, in a few minutes, you will come to the realization that you do not want to make your loved one suffer. After all, you quarreled over a reason, so work together on eliminating the root cause, not your love for each other.

Remember the pieces of wisdom or quotes

Remember the expression, "Bite your tongue" or "Speech is silver, but silence is gold"? So, they really work. Of course, the second one looks a bit strange, but its meaning is understandable at such moments. Stop and, instead of expressing whatever you wanted to, think twice how to pass your opinion. Did you really mean to say that your partner is stupid, rude, fat or doesn’t change? Maybe you were angry because they had forgotten something, criticized you without a reason, or hurt you. So, please, talk about this instead. Once again, you can literally bite the tip of your tongue. Our body is arranged so that in the presence of physical pain, all other stimuli recede into the background. Your brain will focus on physical sensations, and you will have a few more minutes to think through your words.

Program your mind

There are expressions that contain certain formulas of behavior, which, with constant repetition, are fixed to the subcortex. For example, to fall in love with yourself and your body, it is enough to stand in front of the mirror every day and repeat affirmations like, "I love myself, I am very attractive and beautiful." After a while, your subconscious will write down this information, and you will love and accept your body as if it has been always so.

This technique also works during quarrels. If you keep saying that you can control yourself and your words every day, after a while, you will really train your subconscious to switch from negativity at the needed time. What is more, you and your partner can repeat (not together but to yourself) affirmations stating that your relationship is harmonious, you love and care for each other.

Use filters

Set the rules by which your words will need to be tested before they reach another person's ears. Always seek to respect your loved ones and do not allow yourself to target their weak point, intentionally offend or hurt those who trusted you their secrets. If you really know your partner, then you understand how detrimental your words can be for them. Never do this! They may not show you that you have opened their wound, but there will be a scar left forever. A scar associated with you.

The second important rule: always state only what you are sure about. Do not be confused by illusions and facts, first, make sure that you are 100% right, and only then claim. Because fake facts and disinformation can also lead to bickering.

And third, no less important rule: do not throw words into the void. Consider several times whether you really need to convey this information to the listener. If it is something negative, should I spoil the relationship? Learn to put all your words out there through these 3 criteria, and you will minimize the number of quarrels.

The best remedy for quarrels, after all, is a compromise. Quarrels or disagreements between a couple in love most often appear due to the inability to hear each other and solve the real root of the problem. It will be much better for you and your loved ones to learn how to listen, hear and concede to each other. They say that the truth is born in dispute, but if this truth leads to an end of relationships, is it worth it? And let’s all stay honest, bickering does not result in a constructive solution, it only wastes your nerves.